Five steps on how to be single…

Oh you’re still single?

Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone soon!

But you’re so nice!

You’re so old.

There must be something wrong with you.

How do you do it all alone!?

 

The big question.. “But are you happy?!”

Like you can’t possibly be single AND happy. And I won’t lie, there’s obviously times where I’d love to see this world with someone who loves me romantically by my side, but after almost 7 glorious years of being single, I can honestly say that I am happy and that’s all life is really about, right?

 

It’s funny the pressures that the world and your own self put on relationship statuses (read my thoughts on being single gal from three years ago here). You genuinely do have days where you think there MUST be something wrong with you, like finding real love might NEVER happen.

 

But after much thought, many frog kissing and many, many (pretty funny and story worthy) mistakes I am proud to say that I am now a master of being single.

 

So, for all you guys and gals who are sitting at home, questioning whether you’re the problem and fretting way too much about when that big ‘life changing’ love will walk through your door (and for myself in times like this), here’s how ‘people like us’ can be our own life changing loves;

 

1. Find out what you want and what you NEED.

Dating and spending time alone are the two best ways to learn about your expectations and needs when it comes to love, sex and relationships. The majority of dates will be fun filled moments with tonnes of life lessons and the more you date, the more you’ll learn! And as you spend other days truly by yourself, reflecting on your past experiences and learning about who you are, you’ll realise the difference between what you want and what you need, and how to recognise the things that are honestly good for you. This is the luxury of being single. Go out and date people, go out and date yourself, explore everything and try it all.

 

2. Be honest.

I’ve learnt to start saying exactly what I want. No longer do I go on dates and say phrases like “yeah, I don’t want anything serious either”, “No, it’s fine I don’t mind!”, “Sure, let’s keep this on the down-low!” what a load of poo. When you like someone a lot, or when you’re feeling these relationship pressures, it’s SO easy to push yourself aside and just go along anything. But going into anything that starts with lies or dishonesty always ends badly. Obviously. Once you know what you want, be honest with that and with yourself. Respect yourself enough to tell someone when they’ve upset you, when things are not okay and when you’re just not on the same page.

 

3. Focus on yourself. Invest in yourself. Love yourself.

Realise that living life by your own terms is not selfish. People are spending longer being single and taking the time to do what they want in life now. And you deserve everything good and possible in this world! Pamper yourself, treat yo’self and learn to love yourself. I’m currently sitting by the water with Hong Kong in the background, I’ve just ordered my second coffee and I just ate amazing pasta. All alone. And it feels. so. good. It’s hard to remember to actively love yourself, to give yourself attention and kind words like you would to others, but it sure does feel good when you have it figured out. You’ll always deserve that.

 

4. Be patient and don’t chase. What’s meant to be will find its way.

I spent so many years chasing after people who loved the idea of me and the person they thought I was, but it was never enough for them to actually invest in anything serious. After travelling a lot and only having brief encounters, my ideas of love and commitment were altered to lust, settling for less and chasing unhealthy connections. Man, did I learn the hard way. If he’s not texting you, take it as a sign. If he’s not seeing you, move on. Take all of these signs and excuses and be brutal with it. If the other person isn’t like f*ck yes, then let it go. Make boundaries, respect yourself (and them) and know that there will be someone who is better for you.

 

5. Make glorious mistakes and live wildly.

One day, someone will come along and change your life as you know it. So enjoy it all now!! Be fearless, do things alone and travel. Ask a guy out first, see the world with your best friends and take your own damn self out for dates. Life is for living and being single means you’ll probably have less responsibilities and can do whatever the f you want, when you want and with who you want! And once you start, you won’t know any different. I love my time alone and NEED it to keep myself inspired, sane and productive. Chase your curiosity, do things that scare you and live your best life.

  

My life is filled with endless love and as I grow older, my life of freedom just gets better and better. I learn more and more that happiness is something that I create for myself, and that actually, it’s going to take someone pretty amazing to sweep me off my feet. I appreciate me and my life SO much. No-one knows you better than you do, learn about yourself, love yourself and make your own incredible life until someone comes along and fits with all that you’ve created.

 

Peace and love people! Go live yo best single lives 🖤

Vanisha

X

Follow my adventures on Instagram at @vanishamay

 

Read some more of my lurrrve and relationships blogs here;

https://vanishamay.com/2018/08/10/a-lonely-girls-guide-to-being-alone/

https://vanishamay.com/2017/02/19/physically-turned-on-emotionally-switched-off-2/

https://vanishamay.com/2018/07/03/dating-in-china/

Self-love and How to spring clean your social life.

“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others and smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticise love like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”
– Emery Allen

 
I’m a sucker for a good quote and fell in love with this one instantly. Pass the sick bucket, this is gonna be ultimately cheese….

I think it’s incredibly important for anyone to spend time by themselves. There’s a fear in being alone, and a safety net comes hand in hand with a partner. There’s so much pressure in society on dating, marriage and finding your ‘Prince Charming’ (and all other types of ‘other halves’), that people forget the importance of solitude, and that it’s perfectly okay standing on your own two feet, thinking for yourself and achieving your own accomplishments and dreams.

“Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.” — Carrie Bradshaw

Don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to sit and daydream about the hot guy you just served at work, but to pursue romantic love all the time is exhausting and we lose sight of the other life and kinds of love around us. I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, and how important it is to give love, kindness and happiness, but how it doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic love to give you that similar sense of fulfilment and joy.

Recently I’ve found that self-love and investing my time and energy in my dreams and passions has been extremely positive and rewarding. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have an achievable purpose and aim for my life. There’s so much excitement, and so much achievement due to me and everything I’ve done for my own life. I know more than ever what I want from life and what I don’t want, and feel pretty positive and able to remove myself from toxic or unwanted situations and people.

Even my social media has changed.  Having a clear out and detox of my twitter, facebook, instagram and even my contacts, felt like one of the best spring cleans everrrr. No longer am I following hoards of random people, silly celebrities and people who would never intend on even waving at me across the street (but love to have a nose!), and instead, I’ve found my interests and narrowed my passions by stuffing my feeds with intellectuals, organisations, volunteer groups and people that I care about, people who inspire me on every level. Along with the odd food pages. Obvs.

 

Anyway, my point is explore yourself and your life, and pursue every single interest that comes to mind. Sit down and decide what you really want, what gets you out of bed in the morning, the things that make you smile and the dreams you have in life. Then remove all the shit that if it disappeared tomorrow, you wouldn’t notice. Delete all the tinder hook ups, toxic friends and nonsense celebrities, and feel that weight fly off your shoulders. Decide what and who you want to be and do it for you, then own it. Be clever in your interactions and fill your life with all kinds of love and everything that really matters to you, instead of forcing things to fit because that’s what other people are doing or because society says so.

This post is 110% my cheesiest and ones I hate the most, but there’s power in positivity and self-love is the most important love, and I feel full of it all right now….

 

And here’s a bunch of quotes I love too….

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as an escape.” — Bell Hooks

“Here is my wish for you and every other child, woman, and man on the face of the earth: Spend one week saying only kind, caring things to yourself. Say thank you at least ten times an hour, direct five toward yourself and five to the world at large. Compliment yourself (and others) each time an effort is made. Notice all the wonderful qualities and characteristics about yourself and those around you. One week. You will never go back. And your whole life will be a glorious meditation.”  — Cheri Huber

 “Falling in love with yourself first doesn’t make you vain or selfish, it makes you indestructible”. – Bridgette Caudill

“Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breath in. Breathe out, and decide”. – Meredith Grey

Physically turned on, emotionally switched off. A little look at hook-ups…

So my first blog is going to be about the issues and questions in the book that I’ve just finished reading, and as a sociologist and more importantly, as a single gal in the 21st century, I have found that the book has left me with more questions and slightly less hope for our generation when it comes to sex, love and modern day dating… poopy.

 

The End of Sex’ by Donna Freitas talks about the hook-up culture that dominates our experiences, ideas and actions in our modern day relationships and connection to sex and intimacy (or lack of!). Freitas surveyed 2,500 students from various American universities, and extensively interviews 111 of these students. Her main mission was to investigate how and why the hook up culture deprives people of opportunities to fulfill true meanings and desire, while holding sex as the main goal, although it ultimately leaves many feeling isolated and lonely. As a consequence of our quest to tolerate the hook-up norm and indulge ourselves in meaningless, sexual experiences, we are “unable to create valuable and real connections.”

 

It’s 2017. Sex is unavoidable. It’s completely commercialised, and can be found everywhere, from the stories of Mr. Grey and his naughty needs to 50 Cent rapping about taking you to his lovely candy shop… for his erm, famous lollipop… and even brands like Abercrombie and Fitch selling slogan tee’s for girls that say ‘who needs brains when you’ve got these?’ Not forgetting the huge influence and  one of the biggest money making industries of our time, porn. Sex is literally everywhere. Thanks to technology, the sexual revolution and women’s empowerment, hooking-up and conversations about sex are more normal than ever. Sex is easy, fun and fast. We have more choice than ever thanks to apps like tinder, match.com, grindr, hinge, zoosk, happn, the list goes on. We have hundreds of men and women at our finger tips, how lucky are we? Does it get better than this infinite choice we now have? What could be better than sex without strings? Do we have it finally figured out, or have we got it completely wrong?

 

As modern day men and women, we have never been more free. Thanks to feminism and the challenging of gender roles and stereotyping, we are able to make whatever choices we like, with who we like (with consent!), with few limitations and with less judgement. So after a day of watching sex and the city, in a world full of choice and freedom, why am I not feeling more empowered?

 

The end of romance?

The hook-up culture is the idea of a ‘no strings attached’, purely physical and sexual encounter with another person. The encounter can vary from a 10 minute make out session, to one night stands and sex with strangers with one of you leaving promptly before breakfast, to that classic booty call on Saturday nights out in the pub where one of you texts ‘sex?’ and you grab a burger, a taxi home together, and the rest you can guess. All fun and games but hook-ups destroy the idea of happily ever after and allow minimal space for intimacy and emotion. The person who allows emotions to enter is betraying the social contract that the hook-up requires. It’s all part of the game. Is it taboo to talk about real feelings in a hook-up situation? Are we foolish to think we can have such interaction without feelings? Is this an emotion free zone? As Freitas highlights “being ‘safe’ within hook-up culture is less about practicing safe sex and more about being able to walk away from sex without any trace of an emotional tug” it seems that to turn on physically, we turn off emotionally.

 

Socially, we have accepted the norms surrounding the hook-up culture. It plays a part in gender and who we are as men and women. One guy in the study of this book referred to hook ups as part of a routine, like eating your bloody cereal every morning, but an important part of what is taught to be a “guy”. This gender hierarchy that exists is fixated around the stereotypes of what it means to be a male, and the pleasure the male gains, while having full support of having as many sexual partners as they like, and the ideas of a submissive female who kinda accepts the situation too. Interestingly, it’s not just women that are oppressed in this supposedly empowering culture, facing the stigma and labels of being ‘too frigid’ or ‘too slutty’, men also face risks regarding masculinity and gender stereotypes, being ‘too emotional or vulnerable’ and along with peer pressure, it’s clear to see the pressures that we all face.

 

Freitas argues that the callousness, robotic-ness, and bleak reality of the hook-up culture is the opposite to being sexual liberated and free. She speaks about how “we prioritise technology over face-to-face interactions, where we are missing how to value the life and body of another human, or what it means to treat others with dignity and respect”. We celebrate “steeliness” and pride ourselves on our ability to harden ourselves against compassion and empathy. Uncaring is so cool, but really, who is it benefiting? So what if we feel? Pre-warning of my criminology side coming out now, and it sounds extreme, but could this have a connection to the reason why rape is a crime crisis showing no signs of decrease, and why 120 million girls worldwide have experienced forced intercourse or other forced sexual acts at some point in their lives? (UN Women, 2012)

 

Are we living by contradictions? Raising boys and girls to be empowered, and full of emotion, desire and sexuality but at the same time suppressing and repressing all emotion, care and meaning when it comes to the most intimate form of all human interaction. Do we need to assess these ideas of caring less and that bodies are disposable, and that sex is just sex? Is it harmless or is it dangerous? Is it just the misunderstanding of being overly sexual rather than being ‘sex positive’?

 

It’s not all doom and gloom…

Don’t get me wrong, I love my single life. There is so much fun and excitement in being a modern day single guy or gal, and I’m a big believer in the idea that everyone should experience solitude at some point. Dating is fun especially in a city like London, and meeting new people and making new memories make for great life experiences (and good stories!). It’s not all bad, and there’s huge positives to our openness with sex. We’ve come a long way from the Victorian Era, that’s for sure.

 

But is Freitas right when she says that within the hook-up culture, no one really wins? Is silencing your feelings and real desires destroying our chances of finding fulfilling and long lasting romantic relationships? “It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy where nobody goes on real dates, because nobody thinks they want to date, and these cycles go round and round feeding the perpetuation of the hook-up culture” lol how ridiculous does that sound? Should we start being more critical with this phenomenon and start looking at the lack of basic interpersonal skills, and the idea that we’re still missing something so important to human interaction and behaviour from these experiences? Are we missing real opportunities because we’re so fixed on the notion of being ‘care-free’ and anti-relationship?

 

Happily ever after…?

Freitas studies suggest that although the hook-up culture is well and truly a part of our social lives, eventually people reject it. The ‘wake-up experience’ felt after a realisation of physical and emotional exhaustion, is a commonality. Eventually, people feel emptied out. And the emotional awareness is felt again (yay!), along with the realisation of the paradoxical behaviour and the need to feel what we all ultimately want in life… (thanks to Hollywood, the fairy-tale story books, Ed Sheeran and the rest of it) …meaningful love and sex.