Coronavirus, China and me

Fear is contagious and spreads quicker than any disease.

I’ve been living in China for more than two years now, and the last week or so have been completely overwhelming for me and so many people around. Just weeks into the new decade and the world finds out about a new strain of coronavirus that shakes the country that I call home. When things first got serious, I was sitting on a beach in the Philippines, and like most of you, just reading things from my phone. Then came the memes, then the tweets, then the texts, and then the constant headlines. It did seem scary. After coming back to China, and seeing things first-hand, I realise how worse it seems from the outside looking in. The mass hysteria and moral panic caused by some of the headlines that I’ve seen from social media and western news is absolutely damaging and draining. I am SO tired of it already. So, I’ve done what I do best. Read, researched and ranted. Welcome to my myth debunking and personal source of living in China today.

“Leave the country or you’ll get coronavirus.”

I understand the fear and why the Wuhan coronavirus is scary. It’s new, we don’t know the origin and there’s no known cure. I get why there is a fraction of fear. However, Zika, Swine Flu and even Influenza have all been declared public health emergencies in the last 10 years. Swine flu spread across the world and killed more than 200,000 people, infecting thousands more. We didn’t flee our countries from it.

The same can be said from the flu. People are saying that it’s different because we have a cure for that, we have vaccines to prevent the flu! Yet, in this winter season alone, more than 15 million Americans have been infected and more than 8,200 have died. The USA have also had their first human-to-human confirmed case for coronavirus. People aren’t fleeing.

China is my home right now, just like millions of others. And it’s a big old country who have taken precautions and measurements to prevent the spreading. In fact, WHO have even praised their actions, and thanks to the resources and power that the country has, they’ve seemed to cope and control things better than predicted. The situation could be much worse for a developing country and that’s the main reason why they’ve announced a health emergency.

The virus started because Chinese people are dirty and eat weird stuff.

Firstly, this is completely racist. Secondly, people all over the world eat things for different reasons that you may not. Thirdly, nothing has been officially confirmed. Just wanted to share these other recipes for you foodies out there…

Haggis in Scotland! Sheep heart, liver and lungs stuffed in a stomach. Guinea Pig found in South America. Dogs and Cats found in multiple places. Black pudding from UK and USA – blood stuffed in sausage skin. Fried pig brain sandwich in USA. Italian Casu Marzu cheese with live insect larvae…

I could go on….  But just because you’ve watched one video of an Asian man eat a rat, does not mean everyone in the whole of Asia eats rat. From my circle of friends and family, only a handful are vegan or vegetarian, so if you’d happily eat a big fat beef burger, then please stop sharing and calling out others for eating animals. It’s hypocritical and a whole other big boring debate. Got a problem? Stop eating animals.

We’re all going to die.

Okay, this obviously can’t be confirmed yet, maybe this is how the world will end. If that’s how it’s meant to happen, it’s gonna happen. But for now, most people that have died already are elderly, those with weakened immune systems or those who have underlying and pre-existing conditions. Except, the news isn’t talking about any of this. If you’re reading this, then the likelihood that you’re like me, young, fit and healthy is high, and so you probably wouldn’t die even if you were to ever catch the Wuhan coronavirus.

To say things like this in a time where people have died and families have been broken is insensitive, entitled and just plain stupid in the current situation. Know that if you’re sitting on your sofa with a cuppa in hand 9,732 miles away in the UK, this does not affect you right now. Think about what you’re saying over social media.

EVERYWHERE IS A GHOST CITY!

Okay, this is one of the headlines that is bugging me the most. Let me start by telling you something about the Chinese. They are some of the hardest workers ever. And once a year, they get a well-deserved break. Chinese New Year is the biggest celebration, most important and longest holiday period.

CNY is also a mass migration, the biggest in the world at one time in fact! With a population of more than 1 billion, people travel and leave the bigger cities so their families can come together and loved ones can visit their hometowns and villages after months apart. My city, Shenzhen, is a massive migrant city which means that EVERY year at this time, things close down. It’s not new to see shops, restaurants and homes shut… for the holidays… not for a virus. Yet still, I’ve been food shopping, went for an Indian last night and heading to Hong Kong for the weekend! I can’t say the same for Wuhan which is the epicenter, of course, I haven’t seen it for my own eyes, but life continues! It’s quiet, of course, but people need to live and eat still.

But the media said….

Don’t be foolish. The media, whether it’s the Sun, CNN or the Guardian, is never 100% reliable. With anything. ALWAYS do your own research before you reiterate and share the news that you read, see and hear. Especially when it spreads fear and affects peoples lives. Do you even know what coronavirus is? Are the images used real and updated? Question things and beware of the language used in any situation. Using words like “escape”, “fleeing”, ‘BREAKING”, “Coronavirus City” is toxic and used to create panic, clicks and engagement. Look at the numbers and compare things realistically. Wuhan has a population bigger than London, with more than 11 million people, so the figure of 9,692 people infected is still relatively small when that’s countrywide and over a population of more than 1 billion. The media are going to hype it as much as they can if it keeps us all talking and tweeting.

Just be cautious and responsible when you’re online.

  • Omg do you have to wear a mask? China is a mask wearing country, similarly to Japan and Korea. The bad air and billion people mean it’s not an uncommon sight. The country has made it necessary to wear in public places, a very smart and simple move.
  • BA have cancelled all flights! How will you leave?! No one flies British Airways, plus they’re just one of many. Flights have not stopped, and we’re not stuck in China… yet.

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How to be safe: Wear a mask. Clean your hands regularly and properly. Contact your doctor if you’re feeling the symptoms. Do your research and listen to the experts.

Sending peace and love to you 🖤

Vanisha

X

Follow my adventures on Instagram at @vanishamay

https://www.who.int/

Guide 101 to fuckboys

As single people in a modern-day world with new ways of dating and new terminology, times can be tough. We live in a time where it’s easier to have five relationships on the go at one time, where you can break up with someone over Facebook, Instagram, email AND text message, and where finding love, connection and decency gets harder and harder even though we have millions of options at our fingertips.

And we’ve all heard of fuckboys… man oh man. Although pretty harmless and just generally underdeveloped, they are the kind we avoid dating at all costs. But, what exactly is a fuckboy?

BBC Radio 5’s Dating Expert Layla explains that; “a fuckboy (or fuckgirl) is basically someone who brings misery, stress, heartache, pain, deception, lies, hurt to the people that they’re romantically involved with. So, it’s when they have absolutely no degree of empathy or ability to protect the people that they’re seeing. You know, they don’t necessarily always go out there to hurt but they don’t care whether they do.” – Layla.

or…

A person who is a weak ass pussy that ain’t bout shit.

— bretb

A Fuckboy is the type of guy  who does shit that generally pisses the population of the earth off all the time. He will also lead girls on just for hook-ups, says he’s really into you but doesn’t want to deal with all the “relationship bullshit” just to fuck you. He thinks about himself and only himself all the time but pretends to be really nice. He also does really fucked up shit and then complains about people who do the same old shit as him. Once a fuckboy always a fuckboy, because fuck boys ganna be fuckboys.

— youngsnaps

Lol I love urban dictionary sometimes. But we are in an epidemic my people. Completely surrounded.

How can we spot the signs and save ourselves some time?

8 signs he’s a fuckboy

  1. He tells you straight up that he’s a fuckboy. There’s a difference between being a fun and single person enjoying people and life, to being someone who openly wants to use and disrespect the people around them. Choose wisely… Tell him to seek help and run for the hills.
  2. He’s all ‘no-labels’, carefree, takes things slow kinda guy. He says he’s into you, he’s not seeing anyone else, loves everything about you, but just isn’t ready for a relationship. Just wants everything that comes with a relationship… And is probably seeing someone else… Then when you confront him, he can say “well, we were never really together” Hm.
  3. He tells you that he wants to travel the world with you then after you have sex, he only texts you after a night out… and when you do go out, because you will go meet him, does he ever even buy you a drink? Does he even offer you a pillow? From one extreme to the next so quickly… willing to woo you then leaving you dry.                  You have a great start with flowers, morning texts, meeting the friends. Until one day you didn’t. And it’s all on his terms. Did you ever have a say in anything?
  4. He’ll have BAGS of confidence. Even if what they’re saying isn’t even remotely interesting. Even if they’re not saying anything. Fuckboys think they’re the shiiiiiiit. It’s in their DNA.
  5. He’s probably investing or planning a start-up. They love themselves, money and the ideas of creating something completely whimsical and “spontaneous” for their future. They think it helps to pull. In reality, their future, work life and income are probably a little unstable. Just like they are.
  6. He lies. You know the honeymoon period when you’re both just so into each other and everything’s exciting and you just want to know more and more about this new person? Well fuckboys aren’t interested in really getting to know much about you.

And when you call them out for their bad texting? A missed date? For being a general jerk? They apologise. HAAAAALLLEUJAH. You think he’s finally realising! He’s sorry and he’s taking responsibility. The 16th chance commences. Later on, do you realise that he apologizes more than he compliments and actually it’s just routine rubbish coming from his mouth…

7. Their communication is just generally off. Maybe they have an inability to answer your questions straight up, bouncing back with another question or perhaps they just love beating around the bush. They’re trying to be cool and mysterious, but stuff doesn’t add up and it leaves you questioning them more than you should be.

8. They rarely date, or the dating period ends quickly. Quick into your situationship, it’ll only be ‘dates’ at his place. Maybe he’s got a fridge full of food at his place? Or maybe even a new spot he wants to check out with you…. Underneath his place…. Bye bye to taking you out in public.

These boys don’t know how to treat you right because no-ones probably properly called them out. OR maybe they’re just stuck in their bubble and they think their game is working for them. Who knows? You can meet someone from Tinder, meet none of their friends, not really know anything about them or their lives, be completely screwed off and this guy can just delete you and disappear. The audacity of modern-day dating. There’s no accountability or care and thus they carry on.

How to stop being a fuckboy

Know that people can have fun, love being single and enjoy having sex but there’s a line. There’s a point when it stops being fun and feelings are hurt and if you don’t have much positivity coming from your experiences, then you’re probably deep into being a fuckboy. If you’re reading this and thinking ‘wowww how the shoe fits’, then learn something, grow and become a better person. You got this! And leave us alone until you’re all good.

How to get away from a fuckboy

Know that you’re not his mum. You’re not his healer. Read the signs, don’t ignore the red flags and get out away from that toxicity. Their self-worth probably comes from getting girls and that’s all. They got real issues. And you’re worth so much more than that. Stay woke, don’t make excuses or think you can change someone. Break them bad habits. You’re not the exception to the rule and we’re busy people. Get a real actual project that you can successfully complete. He is not it. Say “this could have been nice, but you’re not ready. Go get therapy” and move on until you meet someone who is ready to be a good person to you.

Sending peace and love to you. Go live yo best fuckboy free lives 🖤

Vanisha

X

Follow my adventures on Instagram at @vanishamay

Artwork by @violetclair

Travelling Thailand

My first trip to Thailand was three years ago, when my best friend and I backpacked around Asia. Assuming the country was just one big tourist trap, steaming with hen parties and lads on the sesh, my expectations weren’t very high and I was just happy to flitter through and use it as a starting point. Never assume though eh? After a short weekend back this month, I was reminded of all the reasons why I love Asia. Thailand is back in my good books and I realize how much more the country has to offer. So, what’s good and where is best to go?

 

Explore the islands down South

Hike Ko Phi Phi. The island itself isn’t too big, but it’s got plenty of trails and walkways for you to hike around and enjoy the viewpoints from up high. It’s so pretty to see the two colours of the sea where the bay separates them.

Visit the beaches because Thailand is pretty well known for its beautiful bays and movie landscapes. It’s a great place to island hop and see which one suits you best! Koh Tao for diving, Koh Phangan for partying and around 8,000 others for everything else!

Surround yourself in the culture, amazing food and people

Visit the markets which are all around the country and the best places to buy all your clothes, food and gifts from. The food in Thailand is soooo good! I’ll recommend some places down below. Remember to haggle down in the markets too!

Never have I ever had a massage or watched a famous ‘show’…

Bangkok is full of weird and wonderful things, including their famous shows, markets and massages. Personally, I’m not a fan of massages wherever I am, but everyone I know who has been to Thailand has had a massage so, if I was you, I’d do some research and stick it on my list of things to try. Along with the rest of it…

Meet the tribes.

It wasn’t until after my visit that I read some mixed reviews about this experience. People said how visiting the tribe felt like a ‘zoo’ where the women had been put on display just for tourists to come and take photos. The tribe are a group of Burmese refugees who came to Thailand and weren’t originally able to work, be educated or live outside certain areas due to their status. Like many refugees around the world.

However, now they’re given choice. To go to school, to work outside or to carry on the tradition and earn a living through tourism. Like many in Thailand. And I think the most crucial part to the debate of them being in a ‘zoo’ is connection. There’s a difference between literally turning up, without conversation, without interest, without asking questions about the tourism and their welfare, taking photos without permission and not helping their tourism to doing the opposite to that. To making a connection, building understanding and appreciating their lifestyle, choice and culture. To treat and talk to them like humans.

This gally is 4 years old and liked being tickled. She is THE cutest. She laughed when my hair got tied to my hairband. Another lady laughed at me because she’s 23 and I’m 26 and she’s already married with children and I don’t even have a boyfriend…..

Little connections. That’s how we all benefit. 

Ride around the North and hit the temples

Learn about The Golden Triangle, the history and the global drug trade. And do it in a day trip! Thailand is home to thousands of beautiful temples. After a while of exploring them, you might feel like it’s the last thing you want to see, but make Wat Rung Khun an exception and visit the amazing white temple! Go earlier or late evening to avoid the crowds and be sure to wear respectable clothing or cover ups.

Meet the elephants! Do your research and visit the amazing Asian elephants at the numerous parks and sanctuaries around Thailand.

Things to consider; Thailand is a tourist hotspot for full moon parties, animal visits, cheap sex and cheap booze. The country is trying to recover from the tourist damage but it’s still so apparent in the ruined corals, the littered beaches and the high amount of trafficking that occurs. I’m also pretty wary about riding my own motorcycle, literally everyone I know has had an accident and I just don’t see the point when transport is so cheap. However, do whatever you need to do! Before visiting places, do your research, be respectful and do your bit to make life easier for the locals who live there.

Here is a list of the hostels, hotels and places to eat I’ve stayed at:

Lanna Oriental Hotel, Chiang Mai

Freedom Hostels @ Phi Phi, Ko Phi Phi

Good Souls Kitchen, Chiang Mai

Fern Forest Cafe, Chiang Mai

Chiang Mai Night Bazaar

Use the link below to receive £10 off when booking any of my hotels and more!

https://www.booking.com/s/vanish15

Thanks for reading guys!

Keep up with my adventures on Instagram @vanishamay and have a good day wherever you are!

Vanisha

X

Five steps on how to be single…

Oh you’re still single?

Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone soon!

But you’re so nice!

You’re so old.

There must be something wrong with you.

How do you do it all alone!?

 

The big question.. “But are you happy?!”

Like you can’t possibly be single AND happy. And I won’t lie, there’s obviously times where I’d love to see this world with someone who loves me romantically by my side, but after almost 7 glorious years of being single, I can honestly say that I am happy and that’s all life is really about, right?

 

It’s funny the pressures that the world and your own self put on relationship statuses (read my thoughts on being single gal from three years ago here). You genuinely do have days where you think there MUST be something wrong with you, like finding real love might NEVER happen.

 

But after much thought, many frog kissing and many, many (pretty funny and story worthy) mistakes I am proud to say that I am now a master of being single.

 

So, for all you guys and gals who are sitting at home, questioning whether you’re the problem and fretting way too much about when that big ‘life changing’ love will walk through your door (and for myself in times like this), here’s how ‘people like us’ can be our own life changing loves;

 

1. Find out what you want and what you NEED.

Dating and spending time alone are the two best ways to learn about your expectations and needs when it comes to love, sex and relationships. The majority of dates will be fun filled moments with tonnes of life lessons and the more you date, the more you’ll learn! And as you spend other days truly by yourself, reflecting on your past experiences and learning about who you are, you’ll realise the difference between what you want and what you need, and how to recognise the things that are honestly good for you. This is the luxury of being single. Go out and date people, go out and date yourself, explore everything and try it all.

 

2. Be honest.

I’ve learnt to start saying exactly what I want. No longer do I go on dates and say phrases like “yeah, I don’t want anything serious either”, “No, it’s fine I don’t mind!”, “Sure, let’s keep this on the down-low!” what a load of poo. When you like someone a lot, or when you’re feeling these relationship pressures, it’s SO easy to push yourself aside and just go along anything. But going into anything that starts with lies or dishonesty always ends badly. Obviously. Once you know what you want, be honest with that and with yourself. Respect yourself enough to tell someone when they’ve upset you, when things are not okay and when you’re just not on the same page.

 

3. Focus on yourself. Invest in yourself. Love yourself.

Realise that living life by your own terms is not selfish. People are spending longer being single and taking the time to do what they want in life now. And you deserve everything good and possible in this world! Pamper yourself, treat yo’self and learn to love yourself. I’m currently sitting by the water with Hong Kong in the background, I’ve just ordered my second coffee and I just ate amazing pasta. All alone. And it feels. so. good. It’s hard to remember to actively love yourself, to give yourself attention and kind words like you would to others, but it sure does feel good when you have it figured out. You’ll always deserve that.

 

4. Be patient and don’t chase. What’s meant to be will find its way.

I spent so many years chasing after people who loved the idea of me and the person they thought I was, but it was never enough for them to actually invest in anything serious. After travelling a lot and only having brief encounters, my ideas of love and commitment were altered to lust, settling for less and chasing unhealthy connections. Man, did I learn the hard way. If he’s not texting you, take it as a sign. If he’s not seeing you, move on. Take all of these signs and excuses and be brutal with it. If the other person isn’t like f*ck yes, then let it go. Make boundaries, respect yourself (and them) and know that there will be someone who is better for you.

 

5. Make glorious mistakes and live wildly.

One day, someone will come along and change your life as you know it. So enjoy it all now!! Be fearless, do things alone and travel. Ask a guy out first, see the world with your best friends and take your own damn self out for dates. Life is for living and being single means you’ll probably have less responsibilities and can do whatever the f you want, when you want and with who you want! And once you start, you won’t know any different. I love my time alone and NEED it to keep myself inspired, sane and productive. Chase your curiosity, do things that scare you and live your best life.

  

My life is filled with endless love and as I grow older, my life of freedom just gets better and better. I learn more and more that happiness is something that I create for myself, and that actually, it’s going to take someone pretty amazing to sweep me off my feet. I appreciate me and my life SO much. No-one knows you better than you do, learn about yourself, love yourself and make your own incredible life until someone comes along and fits with all that you’ve created.

 

Peace and love people! Go live yo best single lives 🖤

Vanisha

X

Follow my adventures on Instagram at @vanishamay

 

Read some more of my lurrrve and relationships blogs here;

https://vanishamay.com/2018/08/10/a-lonely-girls-guide-to-being-alone/

https://vanishamay.com/2017/02/19/physically-turned-on-emotionally-switched-off-2/

https://vanishamay.com/2018/07/03/dating-in-china/

A lonely girls guide to being alone

“I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. It gives me time to think and set my mind free. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely.

You see, there’s a BIG difference between being alone and being lonely.

Being alone is power. A power that not everyone is capable of. It’s a state of being. Being alone is something you can enjoy, it’s something you own, it’s something you choose. You can be by yourself and find ways to make yourself smile. You connect with yourself hard. Being alone can bring you so much happiness.

Being lonely is the opposite. It’s an emotion. It’s not positive, it’s silence that hurts and the thought of all the things that you’re missing out from hovers like a black cloud. It’s not enjoyable at all. You can be in a room full of people but feel completely alone. You feel disconnected, and it’s not something you always choose. Being lonely brings you anything but happiness.

I know people that are terrified of being alone, they jump from relationship to relationship and would never imagine going to the movies, or travelling, or eating dinner alone. And I know people that have spent most of their lives in different states of loneliness, being with the wrong partner, spending years of their life alone or even people who travel, moving from city to city with no real roots.

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Sometimes, I am both. I’ve travelled the world, I’ve lived away from home, I’ve been single for a long time and I’m fiercely independent. Most days, I look back at the life I’ve had so far and I’m so proud of everything that I’ve achieved, mostly by myself. I’ll come home from work, back to my little flat in China and close the door behind me. I’ll come home to silence and I look around my room, everything I own is mine and everything I do is for me. Most days I cherish this and am SO grateful for it all. But some days it feels empty and I wonder when I’ll close the door behind me and someone will be so happy to have me home, someone who’ll stick around to share it all with me (read about why travel is ruining my dating life here).

But my point is, I’m not alone, am I? Surveys are finding that more and more people are feeling lonely. And in a time where we’re more ‘connected’ than ever, loneliness is not something we talk about enough, especially if you’re male, a mother, a boss, or anything that might ‘weaken’ your image. But it’s okay to feel like this, I think most of us will at some point of our lives, and I hope you’ll find someone to talk to or a way to get out of it before it drags you down deeper. It’s a dangerous road but there are paths to overcome it all.

“I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love.”

6 ways to conquer being alone and the feelings of loneliness:

  1. Firstly, it’s a basic tool but I’ve recently fell in love with this chatroom. Of course, I meet people from all around the world and I have a great support system back at home, but this thing is fab! It’s a safe space with controlled and positive communications. Use it regardless of how you’re feeling, send it to your loved ones and share the hell out of it… https://chat.itskoko.com/
  2. Make plans and find new connections/relationships. Be brave and embrace the good people around you. Human connection is meant to be the key to a happy and long life! Be kinder, love harder and smile bigger. Make plans so you stick to something and so you have something to look forward to. It really is the little things that can make a big difference.
  3. Find positives out of your situation. Like, yeah, I might be single AF (and therefore sometimes lonely) but I get to travel the world, do what I want every day AND starfish every night with no one judging my Netflix choices… just an example. And also, remove anything that triggers your feelings of loneliness like songs from your ex, old photos, you get me, just until you’re stronger.
  4. Find things you enjoy doing, whether it be alone or to meet new people. You have all this freedom, so use it! Discover new hobbies, do things you love and make your life about you. Join classes, the gym, venture out of the house and go for walks alone! It’ll all make you feel better, especially a bit of exercise (this is me convincing myself too)….
  5. Self-love. I’m not sure how many times I’ve used that word in my blogs, but I don’t give myself enough of it and I’m sure if you’re still reading this then you need a reminder too! You are not unwanted, unloved or unworthy. You deserve everything good in this life and this feeling won’t last forever. Remember this. You are your longest relationship, and you have to spend the rest of your life with you! Forgive yourself, love yourself and promise to do better for yourself.
  6. I also recommend reading Dr. Seuss’ ‘Oh, the places you’ll go!’. It’s my favourite book in the world. If you’re still reading, you’ll need it. Read it, share it and remember it. He’s a genius.

So, embrace being alone and seek for something different if you’re feeling lonely. And one more thing, be kind, to each other and to yourself. You never know what battle people are fighting, what they must go home to every day or how hard their life has been. Call your mum more often, take your Nanna out for lunch and tell your best friend you love them. You’ll never regret being kinder.

Sending lots of love,

V

x

For more reads check out my My 8 steps for healing.Mental health and me: bringing back my power.Mental health and me., and Thoughts of a single gal

Dating in China

Once upon a time, in lands far far away, there was a princess. After travelling every corner of the earth and kissing many-a-frog in search of her handsome, clever, bilingual prince, the princess found herself slowly losing hope in her big love adventure. Until one day, in the exotic lands of South China…

 

Dating in a foreign country. Sounds exciting right? And the big quest for love! Ah….

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I imagined that foreigners here would have similar mindsets and experiences as me, with exciting dates filled with stories of adventure, passion, excitement and rides home on the back of a vespa.

Wrong country. But you get the gist. Travel romance is meant to be just like in the movies!

And it is. Sometimes. But as I’m writing, I’m afraid to say, this princess is still very much solo.

 

First lickle problem; everyone knows everyone. All expats and foreigners hang out in the same two spots of my city which means that dating becomes almost incestuous.

China dating lesson number 1: look smoking at all times. You will bump into people at the worst of times. On other dates, at the bar, in the lift…

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Secondly, China is a bit of a limbo land for people. Those on their gap years or the lost souls filling in time (I’ve now been both…fab) and people trying to earn business bucks in an easy-ish to live country. Expats hearts and minds are not so aligned with mine. Not here anyway, and not that I’ve met yet anyway.

China dating lessons number 2: Expats and travellers are two v similar, but different things. Do. Not. Get. Confused.

 

Whilst travelling, I’ve met all sort of people from all cultures, walks of life and backgrounds. The guys I’ve dated from the expat community in China are like no other group I’ve been around. Narcissistic, entitled and uninspiring. Sounds harsh and just plain unfair right?!

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It also doesn’t help that my mandarin sucks, and I’m not fully attracted to Chinese men. So, very limited options over here (which Tinder reminds me of when it runs out of people to search for me every five minute) leaving me so full of hope…!

 

I’ve written about dating/travelling life before (like this one here) but never like this. I am about to give you the 411.

FYI, all names have been changed to protect identities and stories are slightly tweaked to add humour to what otherwise might seem a completely disappointing and sad series of events whilst travelling and finding love. It’s not all so bad my huns but it’s deffo worth a story or two!

 

Let’s start with Jay. Claimed to be a lover of art, coffee shops and all things ‘edgy’.

Went on a date to the art district and all he said was “if the art moves me then it moves me”…  Turns out nothing in life really moved him.

China dating lessons number 3: If someone refers to themselves as edgy, then they’re probably completing the opposite.

 

Then there was Arjun. He was older, well-travelled and quite interesting. At last!

A classic example of someone trying so hard to be ‘individual’ that unfortunately, he was like many people I’ve met before. The opinionated, self-entitled, arrogant, the-world-owes-me-everything-and-I-owe-nothing type of man.

China dating lessons number 4: Never date someone with hair longer than yours, who turns up at the club in 30 degrees heat wearing a Macklemore fur coat and nothing on underneath. Then hits on your colleagues and makes a joke about it afterwards.

I genuinely hope he finds happiness in life and himself one day.

 

Then came Darren. Also claimed to be a ‘creative’ person who loves poetry and travel. We spent our short lived days eating dinner together, watching Netflix and bickering like an old married couple.

Turns out he was also very full of the talk, drama and all-right bizarreness; a running theme here in China!

Like the time he said he was too busy to ‘fix us’ (quote by him a month after meeting), because he was going house-hunting in the Philippines. Sounds exciting right?! An excuse I’ll let you have.

Way to impress!

Except he’s never been to the Philippines, has never bought property, and never even booked the flight or left the city that weekend…

Way to impress…

China dating lessons number 5: People will say anything and everything to impress you, to fill silence, to be people they are not. Actions always speak louder than words my great ppl. 

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Then there’s…

Joe – Basketball player who texts ‘just hitting you up, wyd tonight?’ every now and then. Makes memes of his own face.

Rob – Lives 2 hours away. Thanks Tinder.

Mo – Leaves in a month. Invited himself to stay on my coach on our first date. That date never happened.

Javi – Owns a pizzeria and doesn’t understand people who never travel. Has no interest in pizzas and has barely travelled.

8-24

Dating in China is, well, quite hilarious! And I sound like a serial dater! But, there you have it. It’s exhausting right? Three months in and full of stories already.

 

And as you might know, dating can be tough at the best of times, but in a country where your options are limited and them options are pretty dire, there seems no hope….

 

But there is hope! More lessons to be learned (and re-learned). A note to me from me:

  1. Actions speak louder than words. Especially need to remember when said person has a lot of words. Being in the presence of some of these guys reminded me how much I do for myself and the things I can make happen. Alone. I’m all action, not words. You don’t wanna be with someone who drags you down, un-inspires you or leaves you to do all the work.
  2. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Trust your gut and stop forcing things (even if he’s the only Latino guy you’ve met in months).
  3. If the conversation is all about him, he doesn’t even ask how you are, and he’s fully aware of it, then just say ‘thanks’ and leave. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Not in England, China or Timbuktu.
  4. Never stop trying! I laughed whilst writing this because it’s all quite funny, but it’s all part of travel and life. You never know who you’re going to meet or what you’re missing out on unless you try and put yourself out there. Do it for yourself and do it for the lols. I’m putting it all in my experience box.
  5. YOU ARE FAB. All on your own. And you are enough. One day you’ll meet someone who’ll have real stories to tell just like you and love every single inch of your crazy life and self. Until then, carry on doing great stuff in this world.

tamed

Nine more months to go. Who knows what life will bring me next?! I’m full of hope… and in the meantime will carry on enjoying my life to the very max and filling it with all different kinds of love, frog kissing and passion! You go do the same too.

 

Stay tuned to find out more and follow my adventures on IG @vanishamay

Have a fab day my loves! Thanks for reading.

V

X

 

Blogger

How to prevent rape

One in four women will be raped. Only 10% will report it. The other 90% will take refuge in silence. 50% of these be cause the perpetrator is a family member or someone they know. The other half think they won’t be believed. And they won’t be believed.” – Ines Hercovich

Why didn’t she call for help?

Why does she stay?

How could she go home with him?

Why would she wear them clothes?

She shouldn’t have drunk so much.

She should have said no again.

She should have struggled more.

She shouldn’t have left her friends.

What do you expect?

All the above is called victim blaming which happens so often and in so many contexts that when someone is raped they themselves question whether they were raped or just simply ‘asking for it’.

The world teaches us that we’ve done something wrong. We’re shamed and blamed in to thinking it’s our own fault. We should not be carrying the burden of their actions by ourselves. 90% of us should be given more of a chance.

A situation that is so common, yet almost completely silenced.

A situation where I think I drank too much.

I made a mistake.

I should have tried harder.

A situation caused by greed, power and privilege.

A situation involving not me, just my body.

A situation caused by someone else.

A situation where the only thing that could have stopped me from being raped that night is the person that raped me.

how to prevent rape

However, not all rapists are monsters. And not all victims are damaged.

In fact, what is damaging are these labels. These labels do not explain what makes an everyday man lose his humanity for minutes of self-centred pleasure and control. Rapists, abusers and violators are not devils crawling in and out of black holes reaching out to our bodies with one aim in life.

They walk the streets with us, sit in our classrooms, they’re our bosses, our boyfriends, they’re everywhere.

Which is why, to stop violence against women, girls, and everyone else in fact, we need to shift the focus from women and girls and bring men into the conversation. Men need to be part of this movement, and men need to be the main leaders of this fight because it’s men that are being failed at some point, in a society that leads them to believe they have privilege and control over someone else’s body on a scary scale that has been happening today and for years and years and years.

A situation that goes beyond borders, race, religion and status.

It is our job to speak up for the women and girls who are unable. Women and girls who can’t find the strength or are not ready to share their story. Women and girls who live in place where their lives will be in even more danger for saying the words ‘he raped me’.

But men and boys also need to be encouraged to speak up and say ‘I raped her’ in order to change societies blame game, and in order to understand better, in a humane and safer perspective, why men are the solutions and fully responsible for this inhumane global pandemic.

Our voices matter. Our words can create change. But we need all voices, not just the survivors, and not just women.

Each story involves two people. We need to create questions for him, and conversation for her. And we need to give both a space in which we can address this global issue, so that his son does not make the same mistake to her daughter, so we can create a safe world for everyone and our futures.

quotes

So, let’s change the questions;

Why does he hit her?

Why is domestic violence a global issue?

Why are men the main perpetrators to all children, women and other men?

“Why do so many men abuse physically, emotionally, sexually, verbally the women and kids that they claim to love?

What’s going on with men?

Why is this a common problem in society?

Why do we hear over and over again about new scandals erupting in major institutions like the Catholic Church or the Penn State football program or the Boy Scouts of America, on and on and on?

What’s going on with men?” – Jackson Katz: Violence against women — it’s a men’s issue

Rape quotes

This is not a battle or about girls vs boys. We’re all producing this culture and behaviour and we all suffer as a result. How are we all going to stop it?

Let’s talk. Let’s challenge. Let’s end it for all of us.

Hoping for the best,

V

X

p.s this is just 745 words, this is not my whole scope or thoughts or words on the issues surrounding gender, men, women, society, sexual abuse and violence. I want this to be something positive and to create something positive from something that is so disturbingly negative, personal and common. I don’t claim to have all the answers and everyone deals with things differently, but this is just 745 words and for some that’s brave, and a start, and it might just help someone’s life, so let’s hope for change, take care of each other and just be nice.

Below is a list of things I’ve read, watched and resources for anyone who is interested in learning and understanding more about one of our world’s biggest and ongoing problems;

And you can find these on Netflix:

  • The Hunting Ground
  • Audrie & Daisy

And these are some of my other related blogs:

If anyone has any good resources, website links, blog posts or books then please share!